Life these couple of weeks

lifes been a bit crazy lately. My moms dog, Rukon, ran away for 2 weeks, we found out he was across the street 2 doors away with my moms old college.
My brother, Tigers, dog pulled a Houdini on me. he escaped my room thru the window that was only big enough for my cats to get out.
The top hinge of my door broke off last night, i went to do something in the living room & i completly forgot the hindge was broken so BAM! down i go with the door.

The last weekend of this month im going to go to St. George with my best friend SunShine & her mom for 3 days, itll be fun.

NEW PHONE

so i got my new phone today :)
its a Galaxy III
so far i like it. its HUGE tho! & yet it feels like its gonna break easily

ive been working alot lately, im hopin my boss gives me a raise after the holidays, cuz imms save up to take my family to Disney Land & California Adventures & thats gonna tske some $$$$

Sometimes I wish....

Sometimes I wish I could say all that I wished I could.
Sometimes I'm a breath away from breaking down.

There are times I look at you and open my mouth to tell you my fears and yet not a sound comes out.

Why should I be scared of all the things I imagine you say when I tell you whats in my heart?

You are not a cruel person who would laugh, or jest at my pain
You are not someone who would think im over reacting
You are not someone who would tell others my fears

So why do I fear you the most when it comes to telling what lies in my heart?

Perhaps it is fear you will not understand,
or maybe the pain in heart would not sound so painful to you as it is to me,
or maybe Im too scared you'll be ashamed of me. That you'll never look at me the same again, that I would not be worthy of being your friend.

What would would you think of me as I tell you my sins?
Would you be disgusted?
Would you be scared?
Would you be mad? or sad? or happy perhaps?

Frankly I have a habit of running away when things get bad. I fear if I said these things aloud to you then you would be weighted down.

Yet maybe perhaps when im much older and I can truly smile without hiding my tears then I will tell you all of my lifes fears

CLICK ON ME TO READ A OLD STORY FROM MY BLEEDING HEART

ChaNgE

There are things in this world that are bad, things you cannot change
Sometimes you don't want to change those bad things, why? perhaps it is because they are familiar, you know what to expect from it. It seems more safe then taking a chance, that fear of something worse.

Life is full of surprises and taking a chance does not always lead to something better and most times you wish you had never ventured out your safety zone no matter how bad it has been, how cruel it can be. You know what to expect from the bad things that surround you and you survive each day with them.

You may look in the window and see something better, something truly safe & possible. Yet opening the door to that world seems unreal and dangerous, you fear it is just a illusion and dare not take a chance. Maybe those surrounding you have ventured out and it has worked well for them but you know it does not always turn out that way.

You fear that door and dare not look at it, you only press your face on the glass as the rain falls around you. You regret nothing and yet you still cannot look away from the world that 'could be'. Many times you wonder how it would be like for you if you took that chance but thats all you do, just wonder.

Life is full of surprises. You can do nothing to change that. You cannot change all the bad things in this world.

Perhaps you live in a painful world but surely there are things worse then the pain you feel. Yet pain cannot be measured by others, pain is still pain not matter the cause. All you can do is overcome it. It will be hard but not impossible.

You may not want to overcome some things but to be happy there are things you must forgive and things you must forget.

And when you overcome such pains then you will smile a REAL smile, it hurts now but that pain is not all that can enter your world. It is hard to remember the good but you must remember so you can draw strength.

Life is cruel and wonderous. Living through it all is something to be proud of.

No one can see or feel your pain even if you describe it. When you can look in a mirror and into your eyes and see your self as you are I hope you see what you wished to see. Sometimes it is scary to see what you really are. Sometimes you have literaly cried out with fear when you saw your eyes. That is where change must start. If you cannot look into your own eyes then you must change something within you.

Change is hard, scary, frightning, horrifying, painful & unimaginable but it can also be amazing and beautiful. It is one pain you must do to overcome the bad.

Life is scary when you are alone. It creeps in the shadows and plays tricks on your mind. It makes nosies in the dark and laughs at your fright. It sends chills to your bones and spiders down your back. It brings shadows to life and creatures of the night. It screams in your ears and shrieks in your head. It sends you flying under covers and pain to your heart. But it also brings laughter to your heart and life in your years. It smiles in the morning and sings at night. It shines in a house and lightens your fears. It giggles in the sun and teases you to play. It brings memories from flowers and smells of a warm day. It rains as you dance and flys music your way.



Life is full of surprises.

Change is something you do each day.

Perhaps it is better this way.

a meeting, appointment, promised conversation

tomorrow is when im supposed to meet with the 'sheperds' & yet i can not bring myself to feel like going. I have plenty of excuses NOT to go, the one im going with is "I thought it was NEXT saturday".
why? why am I thinking of excuses or why am i avoiding this arrangement?
well...I dont want to go because frankly I'm scared. I don't do well with authority. I think they're fake and uncaring and just bossy and understanding.
Am I in trouble with these 'shepards'? oh no im not but I still don't want to talk to them much less be in the same room with them because of....certain things....let's put it this way, I've gone againt the 'law' in little ways but I've still gone against it and I have this urge to tell people my secrets and hope they'll still believe & keep me close, yes it's silly but I've felt that way since my therapist when I was a child.
I'm sure to get in trouble, maybe not what will keep me from SunShine but something else I suppose. I guess it's not as bad as I think it will be but none the less I prefer not to talk to anyone. The more I try to open my heart to people the more I'm given strange looks & comments that I'm "over exaggerating". My own family thinks that of me so do I tell them stuff anymore? Hell No. Do I trust my own mother with stuff like this? Hell No.
I haven't even told anyone bout tomorrow...well....except that one bad bad night I had & I sent a drunk text to my mom mentioning it. She didn't mention anything back to me about it after everything calmed down. I truly love my mother but I can't trust her with my problems or secrets, I'm too ashamed & I don't wanna trust her to not critize me. I have a feeling she won't but still....

Maybe I'll go tomorrow to get it over with. Well I would if I could remember the time it was at! jeez I don't know if it's at 10 or 11 or noon!
I'm sure I could try to find out buuuttttt now I don't think I will. I'm just gonna hide out here where they don't even know i'm at. Hardly anyone from 'that place' knows I'm here...I didn't tell anyone unless my Old Friend or her family did.
No one from my family has contact from those 'shepards'.
why should I care to go anyways??
how long has it been...3,4 years since they said we should meet? since my life fell apart by the seems? since I needed them? since I needed someone from 'that place'?!
now they come??
now they care?!
well I dont!
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I like being alone but its different at someone elses. I miss my cave (room). I worry bout the animals, Bear doesn't want to do ANY of my chores! He says I can

Housesitting for my Old Friend. Her family went to go hunting elk. Its lonely here, I work all morning & some nights. I only have early evenings to myself

Im very drunk right now. Was thinking bout suicide once again. I did send a long text to my mom which is probably making her cry alot

2nite I numb my sorrows with a half bottle of wine. It may not be ideal but its the only comfort i can find. No one understands this pain, NO ONE. Its too much!

Planning to move to Viva Las Vegas in a year or less. Mommas buying a 5 bedroom house :D

Check 'Deep Fried Twinkies' of my bucket list :-D

Went to festival tonight. Had a HORRID time in the beginning but later on I was happier to be with great friends tho the best one couldn't come.....

That moment when you're about to tell everything you're hiding to your best friend but then at the last possible second think better of it......

Im beginning to hate this day.... weeks of plans thrown away. I think all the stress is just creeping up on me. My heart is just feeling very bitter right now

There are some things I dont want to talk about with people n that thing now is my puppy Thumbelina who is missing n most likely dead

....my daddy cat has maggots in his tummy and i just found my dead mommy cats body....at least they're child is ok

Spent the day in death valley with my mom. I learned how to drive a stick while she did massages....it was SUPER HARD!!! (>_<;;)

Going to my 2nd NEON PARTY 2nite! So excited! @ the 1st one I was unprepared but now I have NEON paint! Next time I want NEON lipstick like in Niki Minaj's MV

I realized im unconsciously starving myself. It hadn't bothered me for awhile but today I didnt want to eat until it became 37% unbearable

So @ the Anime Fair I only got to go like 30min cuz my friends took too long to get ready.I did paint my face for it instead of cosplaying (?^^*)

After begging for months mom finally put extensions in my hair last night! Just in time too, there's a Anime Fair here in Pahrump next weekend n I plan on going

Been cleaning my room alot. Reorganizing & shifting stuff. I plan on painting it white but I've been procrastinating. I like how I've done everything so far :-)

Yester morning was NOT good. I dont know what was going on with me but I hated it & I hope I dont go through it again. I hate when my body doesn't listen to me.

So remember when I dropped the air conditioner on my big toe & it got all bruised? Well guess what... the nail almost fully came off strangely it didn't hurt...

Also, mom insisted on bringing Thumbelina.... I love her but I hate bringing dogs somewhere other then a few mins away

Going to Vegas today with momma n Bear. Then to the swapmeet w 'em & gramps. Gonna watch a movie at the dollar theater w Tiger & Bear WoooHoooo!! (^0^)9

Came back from another Cali trip w SunShine! Going on another trip with her in a few days. Got cleaning jobs so im real happy tho my laptop charger broke (>_<)

Sometimes when I cry I sound like im laughing Sometimes when I laugh I sound like im crying There are moments when I dont even know the difference

Haven't been going there. Know I should yet I feel... I am no longer as I was, no longer... worthy perhaps. Maybe I never was or maybe im just tired of thinking

I went to my ex-bestfriends graduation party. It was nice to be noticed again & talk to someone other then my family tho she doesn't know when to stop talking

Rearranged my room on a whim last night and doing the finishing touches today (^^)

Frickin hate this day. 1) mom gets me uber mad 2) im real hungry so therefore im angry 3) wen I do eat I eat too much n get angry @ myself cuz I pigged out

Stupid Mother

So my mother had been gone a little over 12hrs on her 'Night Out', she insists shes a adult and she can take care of herself but we all know she only thinks of herself when shes drunk.
She always gets angry and uber emotional. At first I was like 'ok sure she wants to somewhat relive her youth after having kids and a abusive marriage' but now shes gone too far. So far that I've lost so much respect for her and i cry at the thought.
At least shes not doing that other thing anymore but then again who knows, whenever tells me anything anymore.
Sure we have to occasionally meaningful talks but that only lasts for a few days. If she doesn't want to understand my hurt then thats her fault and i can't force her but maybe she'll understand one day... Probably when it'll be much too late for reconciliation
So shes how now yelling at Chica (her friend who lives w/us) and they argue about how responsible she is. She didn't tell us anything other then a text @ 5am saying shes swimming... vague right? I know, it was a stupid text from a drunk.
She knows she should let us know where shes staying and what shes doing and when shes coming home but no shes stubborn, stupid and independent.
One day I'll find out shes died somehow or was kidnapped for human trafficking and i won't have known till too late, these things are possible, they happen everywhere and whoever says "that won't happen here, not to us" and laughs... well they are frickin stupid! There are some crazy nasty people in this world and if you think you're safe then you're wrong, no one is. No matter how poor or rich or smart or dumb you are it can happen to anyone in this whole world.
Anyways im glad i blew some steam off my chest, i can't hear them arguing anymore but i hear doors closing and people coming and going, i thought i heard Chica say shes moving out.... who knows if she really will. Maybe she'll drive off for awhile to cool down, she was pretty worried bout momma and momma was a complete asshole (yup! I said it!) we were both worried cuz of what happened to momma that time... gosh shes so stupid! And inconsiderate!!
Well then later you guys

I've learned not to stress myself out when shes gone for this long after a night out, its pretty sad. How can she act like this? After what happened to her.....

She thinks everything is goin 2b ok but there are freaks, pervs, weirdos, jerks and crazy people out there acting like normal people & it'll b too late for her!

Sometimes mothers are so stupid! Especially the ones that had kids young so now they feel like being young again but its too much!

Stayin in Vegas w gramps till Wednesday. Lost my bank card SunShine's... I looked thru my stuff n Sun looked on the bed I slept@ her house, still can't find it

Leaving Cali today. Had so much fun @ the beach, SO MUCH FUN. Every1 got sunburns, its painful but enduring... well at least for me, poor SunShine :O(

Oh! Sunday I also went to the outdoor Swap Meet in Vegas n got non-prescription color contacts, they're aqua but u can barely see it, mom got different ones

Yesterday till tomorrow SunShine, her mom, me & Skywalker (Sun's other bf, now my friend) are staying in New Port Cali, the place we're @ it AMAZING! its FANCY!

Sunday my gramps took me & SunShine to the Adventure Dome in Circus Circus in Las Vegas. We stayed from 4-10pm. it was SUPER FUN!! I LOVE THAT PLACE! (^0^)9

Saturday my brother Tiger took me, momma & Bear to the movies, we saw 3! It was nice to hang out together again, I miss that (-_-)

Today my 22nd birthday. Last year my birthday was supposed. To be the end of the world haha but I slept in ;) but no really, people were saying it was THE END

So what if people think im a b****? I dont care what the hell they think. Heck! Maybe I am a b****! It makes no matter to me, im tired of people judging me!

I've been trying to workout alot so I can be fit for when I go with SunShine +others on a trip to Cali @ the beach the end of the month

There are two I wish to go to now yet I've no choice but to stop myself.

I could be the child & not bear the unspoken responsibilities that no one dares to speak of but no my conscious won't let me even think of ignoring it. Sure I deluded myself a bit in the beginning but no matter how hard I tried there it was in the back of my mind demanding I do what needs to be done & make the choices everyone else has decided to ignore.

So here I am, making choices such as these once again but dont worry I've gotten use to it, pretty sad but its fine. Its like learning not to trust the promises of others...mostly the promises of your parent(s) because no matter how much they wish to fulfill that promise it just can't be done so I've learned not to waste my feelings in believing it'll come true.

Sometimes i just can't stand my patheticness, sometimes i disgust myself & then again i dont even care what i think about myself most of the time...i can't even trust a promise i made to myself

Accident prone today. Scraped my phone & cracked the screen when I fell. Almost got squashed by a giant TV. Tripping all day too

Had alot of fun with SunShine these past couple of days. Stayed nite @ gramps place & leaving for home today with mom & Chica

Staying with SunShine & havin fun! Got alot of catching up to do (^_^)

Bear has been acting like a grizzly all morning ((^.^)) On our way with the whole gang to Vegas. I get to stay with SunShine! v(^0^)v

Bear has forbidden me to wash dishes twice but when it comes down to it he'd rather I wash them then himself

Worked out @ gym today, I'll b sore tomorrow. I wake up everyday @ 7am, I can see myself forcing my body to get up

Broke a vessel in my eye the day before yesterday, its only just getting better

Ahhhh!! Its so DAMN hot in my frickin room!! All the other rooms have a cooler n only have a giant fan that circulates the hot air \\(>_<)//

At the DMV renewing my license. Just hope the camera doesn't focus on all the fat on my face. I've been gaining weight so that does NOT help (>_< )( >_<)

He's still in jail tho, so they had to do it thru a video screen n a phone but they seem to love each other so im sure it'll be a good marriage (^^)

Moms friend Chica got married yesterday! Her fiance had court yesterday n the judge approved their marriage so they got hitched!

Going to court today for mommas friends husband. Its in Vegas so maybe ill get those yummy nuts from Sunflower (^^)

The moon is almost completely full tonight. There are hardly any stars. The moonlight fills the air into something calm & sweet

Tried a lil alcohol to ready myself for the rating imma get paid for. Had 2 shots n im feeling a lil buzzed, mostly in my legs. Also have a headache :-/

Also had stayed the night @ the Santa Fe casino for free! The beds were sooooooooo very wonderful! The parts of a song filled me "I never wanna leave this bed"

Back home. Got paid to rate a show @ Planet Hollywood. Going back to rate alcohol for like 75$ I hate it but id do it for the $$

Walking the Strip in Vegas with "daddy" (^_~)

Last nite mom n her BF, Chicago, stayed here. The only reason im not uber pissed to have a half naked guy here is cuz she puked on him (evil giggle)

Its been somewhat annoying here lately. The things id normally do I can't cuz im too embarrassed cuz everyone goes in my room

Its quite disappointing I've learned to not take anyone promises sincerely whether they mean it or not in that moment

I very much feel like crying right now. I spilled 50% of my calligraphy ink. Most of it got on my hands which are now stained (U_U)

Am I the only virgin left in my family? Perhaps, I may be the 2nd one left though but I am still one. im quite proud of myself for that fact (^^)

Someone said I sound like my mom (*-*)

I love the winter n i can handle it well The summer is nice but the heat is too much n drives my brain insane

Smashed my toe with a metal air cooler yesterday. Momma looked @ it n said the nail is dead (>.<)

Home with Tiger & his dog Ceazer. They're staying here for a few days. Tiger has been asking me for advice on talking & asking girls out teeheehee

I feel so sick right now. I wish my mom was here....i wish she would act like a mother..a loving mother (U_U)

Went to the swapmeet this morning with grandpa, just me & him so that was nice. He called me a 'chola' when he saw my earring on the upper tip of my ear

Finally watched it. It was good but idk...i think I raised my hopes up too much :-/

Going to watch 'Hunger Games' with Tiger (^.^) Been waiting for this for awhile now, just hope it turns out worth it (^_^;;)

Its a bit weird being alone in SunShines place. Watched a anime till like 5am, it was sad & painful but I can somewhat relate. Ack my tummys hurting (>.<;)

Having fun knitting & crocheting with SunShine before she leaves for a convention in st. George. I'll be watching her place while shes gone =)

Walked to the library with SunShine & at some point I walked barefoot for awhile (^.^) It was tiring, interesting yet fun (^_^)b

Going to Vegas & staying a couple nights w SunShine! Also seeing my gramps & hopefully my bro Tiger :] (also wanna see that new movie Hunger Games)

Mmmmm...

I know my personality is very confusing. It changes throughout the day, it always depends on who im with.
With family im loud and bossy
With close friends im somewhat shy and sweet
With people I know im very shy and hesitant
At parties im so nervous I get stomachaches and force myself to act normal but I only make myself hyper and giddy
Alone Im much too shy to speak aloud but im very content being alone
You know what? I just dont get why people say its bad when i say that its just me and my little brother (bear) are staying alone while momma is in Las Vegas. Why? I dont get it, I've been alone for quite sometime, im past the point where id get depressed from being alone and i now i love the idea. My uncle made a big deal about it to my mom. 1 he never asked how i feel. 2 when did he start caring? 3 he should pay attention to his own family instead of starting problems. My uncle has been causing problems is the family lately....well more so then usual.
its been pretty crowded and we're still waiting for Tiger so come live with us along with his dog ceazer. I miss him...
Im making a bed for Thumbelina from the pillow sweetpea ripped up. i hope it turns out well.
You ever are asked to do something by a friend that seems like a really good idea and they're excited bout it but you dont really want to do it cuz your afraid you'll disappoint them? Well yeah that feeling sucks and you know if you tell them that then they'll say you'll do good for sure so that only makes you even more distressed.

change yet not quite

I've been feeling lonely lately but for what I know not. I have my mother and youngest brother here, plus her friend Chica & her son Baby now living with us along with their dogs Convict & Sweetpea.
Maybe I miss the peace and quiet or perhaps its the time with just family. Either way I dont know (-_-;)
I've been making a scarf/scoodie/hood thing lately, no pattern just the thoughts from my head. Its starting to look like the hood thing the ladies wore in the time of the Knights. A just hood thing only showing their face and covering their necks. Since im knitting it I dont know how to quite end the top, its not as easy as it looks (>.<)
I've been trying to keep writing my books but im somewhat at a blank point. Im just waiting for the Sun to guide me but its taking longer to rise, i might even have to take back my letter before it has a chance to read it. I dont have anyone else unfortunately to help me, I fear they will all laugh as they have before.
The kittens have been sleeping with me. I constantly remind myself they are not mine to keep.
More and more I have become lazy and unwanting to do anything im asked. I know I am wrong yet I am too weak to control this I i bear for some unknown reason. I only wish to be left alone in my cave of comfort. yet I still apologize to my family for not caring what they say or wish me to do.
I fear I will continue this way in life....

Rearranging some stuff in my room. I never have nuff shelf space =( My pup Roukon came back 2day after wandering a nite away

My accomplishment of the day: Overcoming the urge to puke during a phone interview & answering well \(^0^)/ YaY me!

I fear myself as I care less & less each day about things & people. It frightens me as I lose all emotions save pain, anger, fear & sorrow

I feel the curse of Peter Pan, unable to move from this lifestyle, never growing up. I fear I will disappoint those close to me, that I already have...

Yet lately I think I might get them again, even now I feel it creeping into my heart. It is choking me, threatening me it will steal my breath

At least I have no more pain attacks 'there' & how heart wrenching it is to have those in a place that is meant to be the safest, a refuge even

It is sad & mean of me to distrust everyword that comes from those people from 'that' place yet I cannot help it when I know what they think

It is easy to believe that everything they say when they want to help is nothing more then pretty words, empty promises & I've had my fill of those

I lie to myself every moment when I say I am strong, when I dont need those who dont help & only say polite words

I fear I feel myself falling into something I said I wouldn't but when those you need do nothing to help it is easy to become your darkest fears

Yet there are times I can control it& fill my shell with my former self but it cannot last long, dies the second I leave & only with those younger then myself

So as to not feel such painful betrayal for not understanding & mocking my pain I hide it all, I push it down & cry myself to sleep as I fear the new day

I shake with fear just being near a somewhat friend 3 years ago. I cannot control it no matter what they say or how much they laugh

My brother Bear laughs & says I am faking. I only feel more betrayal when he says that, none of them know just how horrible it is for me

Just the mere thought of speaking with people from 'there' makes my entire being fill with unstoppable pure fear

No one can yet comprehend just how much I've changed, I cannot even comprehend it. With one person I am laughing & another I dare not to look into their eyes

You can see I am torn between these cursed emotions. I have changed drastically & painfully yet thankfully I remain somewhat the same with those closest to me

I understand all that but it makes me distrust their smiles even more & that distrust bring tears to my eyes to even feel that way

I know everytime they see my face another flickers in their mind. I see the pathetic pity in their eyes. I hear those words that do not pass their lips

When I go 'there' they do not think I can hear the whispers the murmurs the unspoken thought which float in the air

After so long from that fated day I barely am regularly speaking to old close friends. It should not be a struggle to seek they're attention

Where they will not judge & condemn you for your families decisions because that will only make me dislike them more for abandoning me

A place that has no annoying people thinking they know you. None look at you with a pity that makes you want to weep

Why can I not escape to the world of my own choice? Were it my decision I would live in pleasurable solitude with the few people I love

Why is it everytime I go to parties from 'that' place with those people my stomach turns against me? I try to be better yet I fail (U_U)

Curse my damn self! I am a mere shell of my former self not 3 yrs ago mayhap even 1 1/2. How despicable am I?

Why can't people understand I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE. is that so hard to understand??

Maybe ill just run out the back door & she'll never know but then where would I go? For how long? I dont have enough gas....

I mean why does she even wanna talk? Why couldn't I just say I didn't know what she was asking?? That I couldn't hear her??

Oh man I hate talking to people. I've already had enough today & I feel sick just thinking bout talking to her (>_<;;;;;)

"Sometimes we dont do things we want to do so others won't know we want to do them"

SunShine has been talking to her dad lately for which im happy for her. At least her dad isn't a scumbag like mine :]

Hung out w SunShine yesterday n last night, it was really nice :-)

Got 5 'roommates', 1 is mom, 2 r dogs n 1 is cruzs friend & the other is moms friend

P.s. I hate when drunks repeat the same thing over & when they babble a whole 5hr speech bout the same things

I forgave momma for her actions that druken nite but that doesn't mean I believe her when she soberly says she'll never drink that much again

I have learned a secret from my mother. A painful night, haunted memories & screaming nightmares. I never knew it happened....

On my way with gramps, momma, my puppy (Thumbelina) & my cousins puppy (Ty) 2 Green River 2 meet my Tia

In Vegas for a few days. Spending the night with SunShine! (^.^)

Just found out my little bros friend is staying for a week! NOOOO!!!!! (>_< )( >_<)

This coming weekend we're meeting my cousin + fam halfway to Colorado to give her the puppy. Can't wait to c them!

So lately I've been sharing a bed w my lil bro cuz my cat had kittens on my bed. I feel like a kid again :]

Just came back from a night & day in Vegas. Last Saturday I went w my bro to a party n I had SO much fun!!

"I look for you under the moonlight that illuminates me"

I got my puppy n her brother until we can deliver him to my cousin in Colorado. My unc got evicted but he already found a bigger place

I really hate it when my mom embarrasses me in public thus making me feel like a foolish child who hides behind her

Back home but I forgot to pick up my new puppy :( So im spending 2 days with momma :D Im really glad I have that unique relationship with her as an equal

My violin is fixed & I get to take my puppy home :D This week w SunShine has been really amazing, im just extremely sorry its almost over (U_U)

People my age dont like me....i dont know what it is but its true quite unfortunately (-_-;)

Going back to Vegas for a week. Staying with SunShine while her mom goes to Mexico :-)

Ack the girl im babysitting talks like a baby even tho she's 11 & she constantly talks. I have no idea wat she's saying (-_-;)

Great!

its so great to FINALLY get internet access on my laptop! because of that ive only been able to post on my blog from my phone but it only lets me post very short ones, grrrrr
So anyways...heres whats been happening:
my moms best friend died of a heart attack about 2 months ago, we got to see her the night before.
ive had no panic attacks these past few months, i dont know why but im glad.
the power at our new place continues to black out but not as much anymore, quite thankfully.
ive been sick for awhile but now im over it although it took me forever to get rid of the cough.
sometimes my best friend SunShine comes in town on thursdays and i go hang out with her at her grandparents place.
i went to SixFlags for the second time in my life, i puked all day the 1st day & i was very short on cash (it was last min) so that was very akward & embarassing but all in all the trip was fun cuz i went w SunShine.
i started knitting & so far i finished a 1 scarf (too big though) & im halfway done with my new one.
I took my violin to a repair shop & it was actually cheaper then i thought it would be, cant wait o play it!.
i went to a feather shop in Vegas with my mom & bro, i got some really cool feathers that I also found to be cheaper then expected.
i spent a week in Vegas so i got a whole unch of library books! i finished 2 in one day tho but i got like 16 & then i requested more so im hoping i wont finish them in 2 weeks.
im babysitting all this week, the money will go to my violin & gas.
my grandpas poodle/maltese is having puppies & im getting one, i wanted black but shes a very light brown instead but i guess thats ok bt i WILL NOT let her be a barker.
after this gig i have to go back to vegas & stay with SunShine for a week while her mom goes to mexico for surgery.
my ex-best friend is graduating next month i think, my feeling are really messed up when concerning her. i hate her but i still need her but i dont want to, she seems to be doing fine without me tho & she never really talks to me, im the one going to her.
my uncle promised to buy me a ipod if i knit him a scarf but i think he forgot already, he was bribing me because i went cold turkey on him after he pushed my mom down....it was a bad night....plus it was after his newborns funeral, hes just like my brother & thats why i hate them both,,,theyre very scary & they always think theyre right all the time.....jerks.
ive been really missing my mom....she doesnt really get it though.
me & SunShine have alot in common, such as bad mothers & stupid fathers out of the picture. her mom is very emotional & we think shes bipolar.
my tia is getting a puppy too, when first mentioned she told me she wanted me to bring him. she lives in colorado & im REALLY hoping i can. i LOVE flying & I LOVE colorado, the fresh air, the mountains, the green & its true nature....*SIGH*
i really want to marry the right guy, im so scared i'll turn into my mother so i'll only marry once. if i dont marry by 30 then i'll adopt, less then 10 yrs to go now....

well i guess thats all
fare thee well!

I really can't stand people who have no control over they're dogs (-_-;)

What's so great about being normal?

In Vegas till Sunday. Satying the 1st nite w my bro & gramps then my bff SunShine :-D

I hate when I get really nervous because I can't stop smiling (>_<;;)

My cat is pregnant again! Im so excited! I can't wait to see her cute kittens (^.^) I just hope I can find homes for them all (-_-;)

My best friend SunShine got me a Siberian husky calendar! (^.^) So now I can remember what day of the week it is (^_~)

Normally I hate both breeds cuz they're annoying but my gramps wants me to have one, I guess he thinks we'll be closer

Im getting a new puppy from my gramps! She was born the other day so im waiting until I can take her home. She part Maltese & poodle

So im trying to not be shy when im alone, so im forcing myself to do silly things until im comfortable in my own skin (^.^)

I haven't been able 2 go on my blog n post anythin other then thru SMS so that really sucks cuz my messages gotta b short but I have so much 2 say! (>.<)

So I've been sick & I think I bruised a rib after a coughing fit. I also managed to sprain my wrist in my sleep & i hurt my ankle! (-.-;;)

"I hope when you count the stars you begin with yourself, and when you embrace the moonlight with your dreams" -Dodinsky

Have you ever met someone who makes you want to run to them & cry, tell them your secrets & sins just from seeing them?

Why can mothers be so....uncaring, unconcerned & ignorant to their children when they need them?