tomorrow is when im supposed to meet with the 'sheperds' & yet i can not bring myself to feel like going. I have plenty of excuses NOT to go, the one im going with is "I thought it was NEXT saturday".
why? why am I thinking of excuses or why am i avoiding this arrangement?
well...I dont want to go because frankly I'm scared. I don't do well with authority. I think they're fake and uncaring and just bossy and understanding.
Am I in trouble with these 'shepards'? oh no im not but I still don't want to talk to them much less be in the same room with them because of....certain things....let's put it this way, I've gone againt the 'law' in little ways but I've still gone against it and I have this urge to tell people my secrets and hope they'll still believe & keep me close, yes it's silly but I've felt that way since my therapist when I was a child.
I'm sure to get in trouble, maybe not what will keep me from SunShine but something else I suppose. I guess it's not as bad as I think it will be but none the less I prefer not to talk to anyone. The more I try to open my heart to people the more I'm given strange looks & comments that I'm "over exaggerating". My own family thinks that of me so do I tell them stuff anymore? Hell No. Do I trust my own mother with stuff like this? Hell No.
I haven't even told anyone bout tomorrow...well....except that one bad bad night I had & I sent a drunk text to my mom mentioning it. She didn't mention anything back to me about it after everything calmed down. I truly love my mother but I can't trust her with my problems or secrets, I'm too ashamed & I don't wanna trust her to not critize me. I have a feeling she won't but still....
Maybe I'll go tomorrow to get it over with. Well I would if I could remember the time it was at! jeez I don't know if it's at 10 or 11 or noon!
I'm sure I could try to find out buuuttttt now I don't think I will. I'm just gonna hide out here where they don't even know i'm at. Hardly anyone from 'that place' knows I'm here...I didn't tell anyone unless my Old Friend or her family did.
No one from my family has contact from those 'shepards'.
why should I care to go anyways??
how long has it been...3,4 years since they said we should meet? since my life fell apart by the seems? since I needed them? since I needed someone from 'that place'?!
now they come??
now they care?!
well I dont!
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