So Far So Good

So I was invited to a Concert for that girl that sings "Call Me Maybe". My best friend SunShine gave her other best friend tickets to see it but SunShine couldn't go with him since she's going on all these awesome trips, so SunShine told her best friend B.Z. to invite me & so he did.
I love concerts so I'm uber excited but i really wanna lose weight before then! i think the concert is like in a month so i know i won't lose my ideal weight but i hopefully will lose some.

Here at home I'm feeling a little more relaxed. The dog run has been set up & my cats aren't peeing on my bed anymore (all i did was take the cover off the litter box!) 7 i finally got to take the plastic off my bed. My baby brother Bear was going to move to Vegas but his bosses said he could have full time if he stayed, he thought everything out & decided to stay. I'm glad he's staying but i was so looking forward to walking around the house in whatever i wanted to wear!

Its hella hot here & only my room & Bears room have AC so since i HATE HATE HATE HATE the heat, i wear shorts & tank tops. Bear hates when i wear these kinda clothes.

The dogs haven't run away since the last post i made & that fact alone has taken alot of stress off! i definitely would lose my dogs if they got caught since my last few checks have been painfully small & I'm left with hardly any extra $$.

Momma owes my 75 bucks but she hasn't paid me back, 65 would be for the internet bill coming up. I want to remind her but she has less extra $$ then i do so i don't know if i should mention anything at all. i don't know how much my check will be this Friday but I'm hoping it'll be enough that i can pay the internet bills without asking for $$ from her.

Recently i got a library card from the Nye county library here in pahrump, they only let you check out 10 items! like what the heck!?! in Vegas i can get 50 items! AND i always get AT LEAST 30-45! but the selection here in so pitiful! so its frustrating to say the least.

well i suppose that's all for now but i hope i remember to update whenever i can (even though i have little to nothing of a social life)
(^-^)//

Daily Headaches

So lately one of my dogs has been running away...well its more like 2 out of 3 on a daily basis but only one has been caught. He's been caught so many times that the people in the pound know his name and can instantly recognize him... yes its pretty sad.

The last time he got caught i couldn't pay (i just paid to get him out a few days before) so i had only one day left to gather the money for when he goes up for adoption. It was quite stressful because i was saving money to go on a yearly trip i had with my friends (only time i go out of the house willingly). Plus i have so many bills to pay and my checks have been getting really small. My current check i will recive will only be enough to pay 2 bills with barely anything left for gas.

so i gathered all the money to get him and i adopted him but the next day he took off yet again. He was scheduled for a nuetering so they kept him there till he was done. So hes had his cone on for the past week and hes escaped 3 times. 1 through a screen window & 2 times thruough my window i have the ac on (i block the opening but the dogs are persistant). hes only been caught once & i thought since he was registered that he would get free rides home but they said it was only a one time thing....
but hes the fantastic news! our neighbor across the street caught him a few times which made her and her husband have a soft spot for me seeing how i was having a bad time with the dogs and they are paying for a dog run for us in the backyard!!!!
the husband has cancer and he wanted to do nice things for people before he dies so i guess i fall under the pity category but i have no problem with that at all. i am so thankful theyre doing this for us, itll take ALOT of stress off my back.

now if only my cat wouldnt try to keep getting out of the house and the ants would stop coming.....

This past week has been......

This past week has been a whirlwind of emotions, mostly tiredness & pain. Last saturday I gavthered my courge and went "there" and went "out" with those people, later on that day i went to a "Rag Tag Party", its a party where women bring unwanted clothes and find others they need.

My mother came the following wednesday night and unfortunatly I started my period and was feeling quite emotional that day. It did'nt help that Tiger & Bear were at each others throats later that night, Bear tried to blame it on something Tiger did earlier that day. Even though Bear is the youngest he still tries to be the Alpha but Tiger wont have any of that and his attitude makes everything worse.

I wont go into too many details but almost everything went wrong when momma and Tiger were supposed to leave in Tigers car (Tiger had a orentation @ the ice cream factory thursday & i am using gramps van). Momma made everything 10x worse (shes just way too emotional), she wanted to take Bear but they were fighting & i had told Bear to do dishes almost everyday since a week ago, he got mad and blamed it on everyone else. Tiger got mad, Bear got mad Tiger was stating the facts, Bear started doing dishes but almost hit me when i touched him.

Tiger was ready to but but momma still wanted Bear to go and Tiger was mad cuz he was late to meet a friend in Vegas. Tiger threw a fit when momma put Bear's stuff in Tiger's car, Tiger demanded if Bear was to go he would not.

Bear ended up stayin and Tiger left in a whirlwind of anger, taking momma with him. Later that night Bear apologized for saying mean things to me.

I tried calling Tiger the next day but when he finally answered he snapped at me and I told him I would call him later.

Today i got a new vacuum and its AMAZING! I love it! it picks up the dog hair REALLY good!

I cant wait to move!

Pitiful Life

It can be really scary to be seen through. Im not talking about someone looking through and past you, but someone seeing past all your walls and into your very being.
We all have things we prefer to be kept in the shadows of our heart, things we are not proud of, things we wish never happened, things we cannot but help to feel.

And although we have a part of us that scream for someone to look at us and see our shadows, we still fear they will find something we dont want to share or we will try to retreat when they come near even though a voice says they will understand.

Can we truly know what we want in this life? I know there are some things I truly wish i could do and have the power to do but its the fear that shapes a cage around me, fear of change and things i cannot control. So much in my life has made me unstable and when I think i found somethig or someone i feel safe with i love too hard and fast, which in turn makes me pull back and hope if the person i held onto will fly back to me. I tend to reject people before they have a chance to reject me. A bad habit i know and ive lost friends, my feelings have slowly chipped away towards other peoples feelings and i pity myself greatly.

Life has been tame but thats expected. Hopefully by the end of this year i will be emotionally stable in my new home and i will finally know if i am able to have kids....if i cant i dont know what i'll do but my family wont like it.

I have been thinking of suicide lately, stroking my memories of how i'd do it i think thats how i'll leave this world but it is scary to never think again but sleep is so tempting, so beautiful to me that if my mother didnt depended on me right now i think i would do it. Yes i would still kill myself if my brothers were depending on me, of course id save up enough cash to leave behind for them but thats all. one brother hates this broken family and the other who is helping to break it has emotionally raped me when he gave me that "thing", never will i completly trust him again and i think he knows it.

i know my life may not be as cruel as others are but its my life and i feel pain too, i too have been through so much that even after so many years i still bear the pain strongly, i still cry when i think too much upon them. the other night when i had a panic attack i think a repressed memory or fear tried to take over, ive still yet to talk to momma about that, it was too strong and real to ignore.

I only wish i had someone who i could talk to about this without fear of them judging me in any way what so ever. Do i keep waiting or do i dare to hope?

Never count your chickens before they hatch

These past few months have taught me that painfully well.

My life has been very unstable and the thought of being able to buy a house for the first time in years has shaken my core and left me even more emotionally unstable. I have dreamed of owing a home for a long time and im through with moving into houses that always has something wrong with it, whether it be bad water pipes, broken showers, damaged toilets, fried electric wires, unstable flooring, bad neighboorhood, high rent, broken windows, unusable heaters or even bad landords.

This whole month me and my brothers, Bear & Tiger, have been looking for houses. A friend of our mothers, Batty, buys and resells homes. He made a deal with momma that she could buy a house through him since she has no credit. He first offered his house, located on Shady st, he recently moved out of but the price his secretary told my mom was out of the question, which left us to look for a house ourselves.

We've seen many house but we fell in love with one house that suited out needs quite nicely, located on Falcon st. It was beautiful and just today the offer we gave was accepted and after work I was able to go to the realtors office and sign all the papers for it by signing my moms signature. Yet I knew somewhere in my heart I shouldn't put all my heart into it. That was when my mom called me and told me what Batty said.

We would have to have the 1000 escrow money, 400 for the home inspection and pay 1100 for rent. My paycheck is around 500 every two weeks, mommas is around 800 every two weeks, Bear hardly gets 100 every two weeks, Tiger doesn't even work, he sells "stuff". I'm already looking for a 2nd job as well as momma. Tiger is going back to the Ice cream factory in april but he'll be living in Vegas so i doubt he'd give us money for rent.

Batty also mentioned that he would sell us Shady for 6100, we would'nt have to pay for a home inspection and rent would be around 700. We only have until the 24th to move out and the days are quickly passing by.

Home I long to talk to someone face to face about my problems, Tiger in uninterested and goes with the flow, Bear thinks i'm a drama queen, SunShine is busy and doesn't have time, my Old Friend....well lets just say I don't even know if we've reached that level again where I can tell her anything. Its really hard to trust and believe in that relationship again.

I suppose the only choice we have is to accept Batty's offer, the only question is when can we move in. He still has his things there and we have'nt even packed. I'm sure we'll just end up throwing everything in the car but Shady is across town.

On another note, My aunt and her family is coming to visit this weekend! Her husbands father is dying in california and they live in colorado so they're only visitng while going on their way to him. Grandpa and I bought my cousins Rosy & Posy a wii and a game, i know they'll love it. I'm leaving for vegas thurday for a doctors appointment with a friend and then staying there until monday when my aunt leaves to california.

My doctors appointment is going to find ot if i can still have kids. My period is very irregular, in the beggining it was normal then it lasted at least 10 then it just stoppped, so now i only have it once or twice a year, this has been going on for almost 4 years i think. I never thought it was a big deal until a friend mentioned women with irregular periods can't have babies. All my life i've been dreaming about a husband with kids, adoption was a defintie thing if i wasn't married by 30 but now if i cant have kids EVER then i think im going to be very depressed. It'll hurt alot, looking at kids will make me cry and my maternal instincts are already really strong so I dont know how i'll handle it.

A friend of mine, Blossom, had irregular periods and found out she can't have babies so im going with her and her mom to the doctors. Momma will be working that day but she said she'll take a long lunch. What helps is that Blossom is just like me, shy and sweet and thoughtful and so kind. im not bragging but she's the me a couple years ago, the me now is coruppted and cracked trying to hold onto the past. Her thinking process is similar to mine and i really like her.

well thats all for now
goodbye (T_T)//

My cruelty

Sometimes i can be so cruel.
and i can easily convince myself i dont care about the feelings of others.

Sometimes all i want to say to people are cruel spiteful things. its really hard to contain myself in those moments.
Sometimes those spiteful things are on the tip of my tongue and all i want to do is make those who 'care' about me suffer as much as i have in my personal hell.
There are moments i want to scream my frustration and yell my anger out.

Those moments make me cry and wish i was someone else. then i turn bitter and spiteful for wanting to die. things in my life make me want to explode but i try to contain my feelings by forcing them into a small box and hidding it but those feelings are trying to bust out, you can see them through the cracks and seams demanding to return to me and make me feel.

Life's Changes

life has been.....well its been not so great.
tigers dog had gotten loose and seriously injurged our neighbors goats.
there have been no more dogfights of late.
i found out ive been accidently overdosing these couple of years.
fortunatly there have been no panic attacks...i dont know why though, i think ive been trying to distance myself emotionaly.

my mom got in a car accident and totaled my car. she had fallen aslep while driving after coming from a bar. she says she'll buy me a new car when she gets her tax back.
i think i lost weight.....in my feet.
my Old friend seems to havin givin up hanging out with me or maybe im just being sensitive again.
i really miss SunShine.
momma got a apartment and shes taking her dog Rukon back with her so i'll be dropping him off this saturday.
i'll have no dogs after that, i dont think i should anyways, it seems i am cursed with pets and it is a Miricale i still have my two cats.

my baby brother Bear has been a bit distant lately and doesn't want to open up.
my other brother Tiger seems to be getting married in march, it will be a arranged marriage and theyve never met. he thinks she's still in love with her ex and i think Tiger will cheat on her. he already mentions how he cannot wait till they divorce and hes not even married yet!

my eyes have been really bad lately and i fear i am damaging them with these old contacts but i dont have any money right now so theres nothing i can do but wait and hope