lifes been a bit crazy lately. My moms dog, Rukon, ran away for 2 weeks, we found out he was across the street 2 doors away with my moms old college.
My brother, Tigers, dog pulled a Houdini on me. he escaped my room thru the window that was only big enough for my cats to get out.
The top hinge of my door broke off last night, i went to do something in the living room & i completly forgot the hindge was broken so BAM! down i go with the door.
The last weekend of this month im going to go to St. George with my best friend SunShine & her mom for 3 days, itll be fun.
Friday, December 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
NEW PHONE
so i got my new phone today :)
its a Galaxy III
so far i like it. its HUGE tho! & yet it feels like its gonna break easily
ive been working alot lately, im hopin my boss gives me a raise after the holidays, cuz imms save up to take my family to Disney Land & California Adventures & thats gonna tske some $$$$
its a Galaxy III
so far i like it. its HUGE tho! & yet it feels like its gonna break easily
ive been working alot lately, im hopin my boss gives me a raise after the holidays, cuz imms save up to take my family to Disney Land & California Adventures & thats gonna tske some $$$$
Friday, October 19, 2012
Sometimes I wish....
Sometimes I wish I could say all that I wished I could.
Sometimes I'm a breath away from breaking down.
There are times I look at you and open my mouth to tell you my fears and yet not a sound comes out.
Why should I be scared of all the things I imagine you say when I tell you whats in my heart?
You are not a cruel person who would laugh, or jest at my pain
You are not someone who would think im over reacting
You are not someone who would tell others my fears
So why do I fear you the most when it comes to telling what lies in my heart?
Perhaps it is fear you will not understand,
or maybe the pain in heart would not sound so painful to you as it is to me,
or maybe Im too scared you'll be ashamed of me. That you'll never look at me the same again, that I would not be worthy of being your friend.
What would would you think of me as I tell you my sins?
Would you be disgusted?
Would you be scared?
Would you be mad? or sad? or happy perhaps?
Frankly I have a habit of running away when things get bad. I fear if I said these things aloud to you then you would be weighted down.
Yet maybe perhaps when im much older and I can truly smile without hiding my tears then I will tell you all of my lifes fears
CLICK ON ME TO READ A OLD STORY FROM MY BLEEDING HEART
Sometimes I'm a breath away from breaking down.
There are times I look at you and open my mouth to tell you my fears and yet not a sound comes out.
Why should I be scared of all the things I imagine you say when I tell you whats in my heart?
You are not a cruel person who would laugh, or jest at my pain
You are not someone who would think im over reacting
You are not someone who would tell others my fears
So why do I fear you the most when it comes to telling what lies in my heart?
Perhaps it is fear you will not understand,
or maybe the pain in heart would not sound so painful to you as it is to me,
or maybe Im too scared you'll be ashamed of me. That you'll never look at me the same again, that I would not be worthy of being your friend.
What would would you think of me as I tell you my sins?
Would you be disgusted?
Would you be scared?
Would you be mad? or sad? or happy perhaps?
Frankly I have a habit of running away when things get bad. I fear if I said these things aloud to you then you would be weighted down.
Yet maybe perhaps when im much older and I can truly smile without hiding my tears then I will tell you all of my lifes fears
CLICK ON ME TO READ A OLD STORY FROM MY BLEEDING HEART
Sunday, October 14, 2012
ChaNgE
There are things in this world that are bad, things you cannot change
Sometimes you don't want to change those bad things, why? perhaps it is because they are familiar, you know what to expect from it. It seems more safe then taking a chance, that fear of something worse.
Life is full of surprises and taking a chance does not always lead to something better and most times you wish you had never ventured out your safety zone no matter how bad it has been, how cruel it can be. You know what to expect from the bad things that surround you and you survive each day with them.
You may look in the window and see something better, something truly safe & possible. Yet opening the door to that world seems unreal and dangerous, you fear it is just a illusion and dare not take a chance. Maybe those surrounding you have ventured out and it has worked well for them but you know it does not always turn out that way.
You fear that door and dare not look at it, you only press your face on the glass as the rain falls around you. You regret nothing and yet you still cannot look away from the world that 'could be'. Many times you wonder how it would be like for you if you took that chance but thats all you do, just wonder.
Life is full of surprises. You can do nothing to change that. You cannot change all the bad things in this world.
Perhaps you live in a painful world but surely there are things worse then the pain you feel. Yet pain cannot be measured by others, pain is still pain not matter the cause. All you can do is overcome it. It will be hard but not impossible.
You may not want to overcome some things but to be happy there are things you must forgive and things you must forget.
And when you overcome such pains then you will smile a REAL smile, it hurts now but that pain is not all that can enter your world. It is hard to remember the good but you must remember so you can draw strength.
Life is cruel and wonderous. Living through it all is something to be proud of.
No one can see or feel your pain even if you describe it. When you can look in a mirror and into your eyes and see your self as you are I hope you see what you wished to see. Sometimes it is scary to see what you really are. Sometimes you have literaly cried out with fear when you saw your eyes. That is where change must start. If you cannot look into your own eyes then you must change something within you.
Change is hard, scary, frightning, horrifying, painful & unimaginable but it can also be amazing and beautiful. It is one pain you must do to overcome the bad.
Life is scary when you are alone. It creeps in the shadows and plays tricks on your mind. It makes nosies in the dark and laughs at your fright. It sends chills to your bones and spiders down your back. It brings shadows to life and creatures of the night. It screams in your ears and shrieks in your head. It sends you flying under covers and pain to your heart. But it also brings laughter to your heart and life in your years. It smiles in the morning and sings at night. It shines in a house and lightens your fears. It giggles in the sun and teases you to play. It brings memories from flowers and smells of a warm day. It rains as you dance and flys music your way.
Life is full of surprises.
Change is something you do each day.
Perhaps it is better this way.
Sometimes you don't want to change those bad things, why? perhaps it is because they are familiar, you know what to expect from it. It seems more safe then taking a chance, that fear of something worse.
Life is full of surprises and taking a chance does not always lead to something better and most times you wish you had never ventured out your safety zone no matter how bad it has been, how cruel it can be. You know what to expect from the bad things that surround you and you survive each day with them.
You may look in the window and see something better, something truly safe & possible. Yet opening the door to that world seems unreal and dangerous, you fear it is just a illusion and dare not take a chance. Maybe those surrounding you have ventured out and it has worked well for them but you know it does not always turn out that way.
You fear that door and dare not look at it, you only press your face on the glass as the rain falls around you. You regret nothing and yet you still cannot look away from the world that 'could be'. Many times you wonder how it would be like for you if you took that chance but thats all you do, just wonder.
Life is full of surprises. You can do nothing to change that. You cannot change all the bad things in this world.
Perhaps you live in a painful world but surely there are things worse then the pain you feel. Yet pain cannot be measured by others, pain is still pain not matter the cause. All you can do is overcome it. It will be hard but not impossible.
You may not want to overcome some things but to be happy there are things you must forgive and things you must forget.
And when you overcome such pains then you will smile a REAL smile, it hurts now but that pain is not all that can enter your world. It is hard to remember the good but you must remember so you can draw strength.
Life is cruel and wonderous. Living through it all is something to be proud of.
No one can see or feel your pain even if you describe it. When you can look in a mirror and into your eyes and see your self as you are I hope you see what you wished to see. Sometimes it is scary to see what you really are. Sometimes you have literaly cried out with fear when you saw your eyes. That is where change must start. If you cannot look into your own eyes then you must change something within you.
Change is hard, scary, frightning, horrifying, painful & unimaginable but it can also be amazing and beautiful. It is one pain you must do to overcome the bad.
Life is scary when you are alone. It creeps in the shadows and plays tricks on your mind. It makes nosies in the dark and laughs at your fright. It sends chills to your bones and spiders down your back. It brings shadows to life and creatures of the night. It screams in your ears and shrieks in your head. It sends you flying under covers and pain to your heart. But it also brings laughter to your heart and life in your years. It smiles in the morning and sings at night. It shines in a house and lightens your fears. It giggles in the sun and teases you to play. It brings memories from flowers and smells of a warm day. It rains as you dance and flys music your way.
Life is full of surprises.
Change is something you do each day.
Perhaps it is better this way.
Friday, October 12, 2012
a meeting, appointment, promised conversation
tomorrow is when im supposed to meet with the 'sheperds' & yet i can not bring myself to feel like going. I have plenty of excuses NOT to go, the one im going with is "I thought it was NEXT saturday".
why? why am I thinking of excuses or why am i avoiding this arrangement?
well...I dont want to go because frankly I'm scared. I don't do well with authority. I think they're fake and uncaring and just bossy and understanding.
Am I in trouble with these 'shepards'? oh no im not but I still don't want to talk to them much less be in the same room with them because of....certain things....let's put it this way, I've gone againt the 'law' in little ways but I've still gone against it and I have this urge to tell people my secrets and hope they'll still believe & keep me close, yes it's silly but I've felt that way since my therapist when I was a child.
I'm sure to get in trouble, maybe not what will keep me from SunShine but something else I suppose. I guess it's not as bad as I think it will be but none the less I prefer not to talk to anyone. The more I try to open my heart to people the more I'm given strange looks & comments that I'm "over exaggerating". My own family thinks that of me so do I tell them stuff anymore? Hell No. Do I trust my own mother with stuff like this? Hell No.
I haven't even told anyone bout tomorrow...well....except that one bad bad night I had & I sent a drunk text to my mom mentioning it. She didn't mention anything back to me about it after everything calmed down. I truly love my mother but I can't trust her with my problems or secrets, I'm too ashamed & I don't wanna trust her to not critize me. I have a feeling she won't but still....
Maybe I'll go tomorrow to get it over with. Well I would if I could remember the time it was at! jeez I don't know if it's at 10 or 11 or noon!
I'm sure I could try to find out buuuttttt now I don't think I will. I'm just gonna hide out here where they don't even know i'm at. Hardly anyone from 'that place' knows I'm here...I didn't tell anyone unless my Old Friend or her family did.
No one from my family has contact from those 'shepards'.
why should I care to go anyways??
how long has it been...3,4 years since they said we should meet? since my life fell apart by the seems? since I needed them? since I needed someone from 'that place'?!
now they come??
now they care?!
well I dont!
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why? why am I thinking of excuses or why am i avoiding this arrangement?
well...I dont want to go because frankly I'm scared. I don't do well with authority. I think they're fake and uncaring and just bossy and understanding.
Am I in trouble with these 'shepards'? oh no im not but I still don't want to talk to them much less be in the same room with them because of....certain things....let's put it this way, I've gone againt the 'law' in little ways but I've still gone against it and I have this urge to tell people my secrets and hope they'll still believe & keep me close, yes it's silly but I've felt that way since my therapist when I was a child.
I'm sure to get in trouble, maybe not what will keep me from SunShine but something else I suppose. I guess it's not as bad as I think it will be but none the less I prefer not to talk to anyone. The more I try to open my heart to people the more I'm given strange looks & comments that I'm "over exaggerating". My own family thinks that of me so do I tell them stuff anymore? Hell No. Do I trust my own mother with stuff like this? Hell No.
I haven't even told anyone bout tomorrow...well....except that one bad bad night I had & I sent a drunk text to my mom mentioning it. She didn't mention anything back to me about it after everything calmed down. I truly love my mother but I can't trust her with my problems or secrets, I'm too ashamed & I don't wanna trust her to not critize me. I have a feeling she won't but still....
Maybe I'll go tomorrow to get it over with. Well I would if I could remember the time it was at! jeez I don't know if it's at 10 or 11 or noon!
I'm sure I could try to find out buuuttttt now I don't think I will. I'm just gonna hide out here where they don't even know i'm at. Hardly anyone from 'that place' knows I'm here...I didn't tell anyone unless my Old Friend or her family did.
No one from my family has contact from those 'shepards'.
why should I care to go anyways??
how long has it been...3,4 years since they said we should meet? since my life fell apart by the seems? since I needed them? since I needed someone from 'that place'?!
now they come??
now they care?!
well I dont!
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Wednesday, October 10, 2012
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