It can be really scary to be seen through. Im not talking about someone looking through and past you, but someone seeing past all your walls and into your very being.
We all have things we prefer to be kept in the shadows of our heart, things we are not proud of, things we wish never happened, things we cannot but help to feel.
And although we have a part of us that scream for someone to look at us and see our shadows, we still fear they will find something we dont want to share or we will try to retreat when they come near even though a voice says they will understand.
Can we truly know what we want in this life? I know there are some things I truly wish i could do and have the power to do but its the fear that shapes a cage around me, fear of change and things i cannot control. So much in my life has made me unstable and when I think i found somethig or someone i feel safe with i love too hard and fast, which in turn makes me pull back and hope if the person i held onto will fly back to me. I tend to reject people before they have a chance to reject me. A bad habit i know and ive lost friends, my feelings have slowly chipped away towards other peoples feelings and i pity myself greatly.
Life has been tame but thats expected. Hopefully by the end of this year i will be emotionally stable in my new home and i will finally know if i am able to have kids....if i cant i dont know what i'll do but my family wont like it.
I have been thinking of suicide lately, stroking my memories of how i'd do it i think thats how i'll leave this world but it is scary to never think again but sleep is so tempting, so beautiful to me that if my mother didnt depended on me right now i think i would do it. Yes i would still kill myself if my brothers were depending on me, of course id save up enough cash to leave behind for them but thats all. one brother hates this broken family and the other who is helping to break it has emotionally raped me when he gave me that "thing", never will i completly trust him again and i think he knows it.
i know my life may not be as cruel as others are but its my life and i feel pain too, i too have been through so much that even after so many years i still bear the pain strongly, i still cry when i think too much upon them. the other night when i had a panic attack i think a repressed memory or fear tried to take over, ive still yet to talk to momma about that, it was too strong and real to ignore.
I only wish i had someone who i could talk to about this without fear of them judging me in any way what so ever. Do i keep waiting or do i dare to hope?
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