Pitiful Life

It can be really scary to be seen through. Im not talking about someone looking through and past you, but someone seeing past all your walls and into your very being.
We all have things we prefer to be kept in the shadows of our heart, things we are not proud of, things we wish never happened, things we cannot but help to feel.

And although we have a part of us that scream for someone to look at us and see our shadows, we still fear they will find something we dont want to share or we will try to retreat when they come near even though a voice says they will understand.

Can we truly know what we want in this life? I know there are some things I truly wish i could do and have the power to do but its the fear that shapes a cage around me, fear of change and things i cannot control. So much in my life has made me unstable and when I think i found somethig or someone i feel safe with i love too hard and fast, which in turn makes me pull back and hope if the person i held onto will fly back to me. I tend to reject people before they have a chance to reject me. A bad habit i know and ive lost friends, my feelings have slowly chipped away towards other peoples feelings and i pity myself greatly.

Life has been tame but thats expected. Hopefully by the end of this year i will be emotionally stable in my new home and i will finally know if i am able to have kids....if i cant i dont know what i'll do but my family wont like it.

I have been thinking of suicide lately, stroking my memories of how i'd do it i think thats how i'll leave this world but it is scary to never think again but sleep is so tempting, so beautiful to me that if my mother didnt depended on me right now i think i would do it. Yes i would still kill myself if my brothers were depending on me, of course id save up enough cash to leave behind for them but thats all. one brother hates this broken family and the other who is helping to break it has emotionally raped me when he gave me that "thing", never will i completly trust him again and i think he knows it.

i know my life may not be as cruel as others are but its my life and i feel pain too, i too have been through so much that even after so many years i still bear the pain strongly, i still cry when i think too much upon them. the other night when i had a panic attack i think a repressed memory or fear tried to take over, ive still yet to talk to momma about that, it was too strong and real to ignore.

I only wish i had someone who i could talk to about this without fear of them judging me in any way what so ever. Do i keep waiting or do i dare to hope?

Never count your chickens before they hatch

These past few months have taught me that painfully well.

My life has been very unstable and the thought of being able to buy a house for the first time in years has shaken my core and left me even more emotionally unstable. I have dreamed of owing a home for a long time and im through with moving into houses that always has something wrong with it, whether it be bad water pipes, broken showers, damaged toilets, fried electric wires, unstable flooring, bad neighboorhood, high rent, broken windows, unusable heaters or even bad landords.

This whole month me and my brothers, Bear & Tiger, have been looking for houses. A friend of our mothers, Batty, buys and resells homes. He made a deal with momma that she could buy a house through him since she has no credit. He first offered his house, located on Shady st, he recently moved out of but the price his secretary told my mom was out of the question, which left us to look for a house ourselves.

We've seen many house but we fell in love with one house that suited out needs quite nicely, located on Falcon st. It was beautiful and just today the offer we gave was accepted and after work I was able to go to the realtors office and sign all the papers for it by signing my moms signature. Yet I knew somewhere in my heart I shouldn't put all my heart into it. That was when my mom called me and told me what Batty said.

We would have to have the 1000 escrow money, 400 for the home inspection and pay 1100 for rent. My paycheck is around 500 every two weeks, mommas is around 800 every two weeks, Bear hardly gets 100 every two weeks, Tiger doesn't even work, he sells "stuff". I'm already looking for a 2nd job as well as momma. Tiger is going back to the Ice cream factory in april but he'll be living in Vegas so i doubt he'd give us money for rent.

Batty also mentioned that he would sell us Shady for 6100, we would'nt have to pay for a home inspection and rent would be around 700. We only have until the 24th to move out and the days are quickly passing by.

Home I long to talk to someone face to face about my problems, Tiger in uninterested and goes with the flow, Bear thinks i'm a drama queen, SunShine is busy and doesn't have time, my Old Friend....well lets just say I don't even know if we've reached that level again where I can tell her anything. Its really hard to trust and believe in that relationship again.

I suppose the only choice we have is to accept Batty's offer, the only question is when can we move in. He still has his things there and we have'nt even packed. I'm sure we'll just end up throwing everything in the car but Shady is across town.

On another note, My aunt and her family is coming to visit this weekend! Her husbands father is dying in california and they live in colorado so they're only visitng while going on their way to him. Grandpa and I bought my cousins Rosy & Posy a wii and a game, i know they'll love it. I'm leaving for vegas thurday for a doctors appointment with a friend and then staying there until monday when my aunt leaves to california.

My doctors appointment is going to find ot if i can still have kids. My period is very irregular, in the beggining it was normal then it lasted at least 10 then it just stoppped, so now i only have it once or twice a year, this has been going on for almost 4 years i think. I never thought it was a big deal until a friend mentioned women with irregular periods can't have babies. All my life i've been dreaming about a husband with kids, adoption was a defintie thing if i wasn't married by 30 but now if i cant have kids EVER then i think im going to be very depressed. It'll hurt alot, looking at kids will make me cry and my maternal instincts are already really strong so I dont know how i'll handle it.

A friend of mine, Blossom, had irregular periods and found out she can't have babies so im going with her and her mom to the doctors. Momma will be working that day but she said she'll take a long lunch. What helps is that Blossom is just like me, shy and sweet and thoughtful and so kind. im not bragging but she's the me a couple years ago, the me now is coruppted and cracked trying to hold onto the past. Her thinking process is similar to mine and i really like her.

well thats all for now
goodbye (T_T)//