Walking the Strip in Vegas with "daddy" (^_~)

Last nite mom n her BF, Chicago, stayed here. The only reason im not uber pissed to have a half naked guy here is cuz she puked on him (evil giggle)

Its been somewhat annoying here lately. The things id normally do I can't cuz im too embarrassed cuz everyone goes in my room

Its quite disappointing I've learned to not take anyone promises sincerely whether they mean it or not in that moment

I very much feel like crying right now. I spilled 50% of my calligraphy ink. Most of it got on my hands which are now stained (U_U)

Am I the only virgin left in my family? Perhaps, I may be the 2nd one left though but I am still one. im quite proud of myself for that fact (^^)

Someone said I sound like my mom (*-*)

I love the winter n i can handle it well The summer is nice but the heat is too much n drives my brain insane

Smashed my toe with a metal air cooler yesterday. Momma looked @ it n said the nail is dead (>.<)

Home with Tiger & his dog Ceazer. They're staying here for a few days. Tiger has been asking me for advice on talking & asking girls out teeheehee

I feel so sick right now. I wish my mom was here....i wish she would act like a mother..a loving mother (U_U)

Went to the swapmeet this morning with grandpa, just me & him so that was nice. He called me a 'chola' when he saw my earring on the upper tip of my ear

Finally watched it. It was good but idk...i think I raised my hopes up too much :-/

Going to watch 'Hunger Games' with Tiger (^.^) Been waiting for this for awhile now, just hope it turns out worth it (^_^;;)

Its a bit weird being alone in SunShines place. Watched a anime till like 5am, it was sad & painful but I can somewhat relate. Ack my tummys hurting (>.<;)

Having fun knitting & crocheting with SunShine before she leaves for a convention in st. George. I'll be watching her place while shes gone =)

Walked to the library with SunShine & at some point I walked barefoot for awhile (^.^) It was tiring, interesting yet fun (^_^)b

Going to Vegas & staying a couple nights w SunShine! Also seeing my gramps & hopefully my bro Tiger :] (also wanna see that new movie Hunger Games)

Mmmmm...

I know my personality is very confusing. It changes throughout the day, it always depends on who im with.
With family im loud and bossy
With close friends im somewhat shy and sweet
With people I know im very shy and hesitant
At parties im so nervous I get stomachaches and force myself to act normal but I only make myself hyper and giddy
Alone Im much too shy to speak aloud but im very content being alone
You know what? I just dont get why people say its bad when i say that its just me and my little brother (bear) are staying alone while momma is in Las Vegas. Why? I dont get it, I've been alone for quite sometime, im past the point where id get depressed from being alone and i now i love the idea. My uncle made a big deal about it to my mom. 1 he never asked how i feel. 2 when did he start caring? 3 he should pay attention to his own family instead of starting problems. My uncle has been causing problems is the family lately....well more so then usual.
its been pretty crowded and we're still waiting for Tiger so come live with us along with his dog ceazer. I miss him...
Im making a bed for Thumbelina from the pillow sweetpea ripped up. i hope it turns out well.
You ever are asked to do something by a friend that seems like a really good idea and they're excited bout it but you dont really want to do it cuz your afraid you'll disappoint them? Well yeah that feeling sucks and you know if you tell them that then they'll say you'll do good for sure so that only makes you even more distressed.

change yet not quite

I've been feeling lonely lately but for what I know not. I have my mother and youngest brother here, plus her friend Chica & her son Baby now living with us along with their dogs Convict & Sweetpea.
Maybe I miss the peace and quiet or perhaps its the time with just family. Either way I dont know (-_-;)
I've been making a scarf/scoodie/hood thing lately, no pattern just the thoughts from my head. Its starting to look like the hood thing the ladies wore in the time of the Knights. A just hood thing only showing their face and covering their necks. Since im knitting it I dont know how to quite end the top, its not as easy as it looks (>.<)
I've been trying to keep writing my books but im somewhat at a blank point. Im just waiting for the Sun to guide me but its taking longer to rise, i might even have to take back my letter before it has a chance to read it. I dont have anyone else unfortunately to help me, I fear they will all laugh as they have before.
The kittens have been sleeping with me. I constantly remind myself they are not mine to keep.
More and more I have become lazy and unwanting to do anything im asked. I know I am wrong yet I am too weak to control this I i bear for some unknown reason. I only wish to be left alone in my cave of comfort. yet I still apologize to my family for not caring what they say or wish me to do.
I fear I will continue this way in life....

Rearranging some stuff in my room. I never have nuff shelf space =( My pup Roukon came back 2day after wandering a nite away

My accomplishment of the day: Overcoming the urge to puke during a phone interview & answering well \(^0^)/ YaY me!

I fear myself as I care less & less each day about things & people. It frightens me as I lose all emotions save pain, anger, fear & sorrow

I feel the curse of Peter Pan, unable to move from this lifestyle, never growing up. I fear I will disappoint those close to me, that I already have...

Yet lately I think I might get them again, even now I feel it creeping into my heart. It is choking me, threatening me it will steal my breath

At least I have no more pain attacks 'there' & how heart wrenching it is to have those in a place that is meant to be the safest, a refuge even

It is sad & mean of me to distrust everyword that comes from those people from 'that' place yet I cannot help it when I know what they think

It is easy to believe that everything they say when they want to help is nothing more then pretty words, empty promises & I've had my fill of those

I lie to myself every moment when I say I am strong, when I dont need those who dont help & only say polite words

I fear I feel myself falling into something I said I wouldn't but when those you need do nothing to help it is easy to become your darkest fears

Yet there are times I can control it& fill my shell with my former self but it cannot last long, dies the second I leave & only with those younger then myself

So as to not feel such painful betrayal for not understanding & mocking my pain I hide it all, I push it down & cry myself to sleep as I fear the new day

I shake with fear just being near a somewhat friend 3 years ago. I cannot control it no matter what they say or how much they laugh

My brother Bear laughs & says I am faking. I only feel more betrayal when he says that, none of them know just how horrible it is for me

Just the mere thought of speaking with people from 'there' makes my entire being fill with unstoppable pure fear

No one can yet comprehend just how much I've changed, I cannot even comprehend it. With one person I am laughing & another I dare not to look into their eyes

You can see I am torn between these cursed emotions. I have changed drastically & painfully yet thankfully I remain somewhat the same with those closest to me

I understand all that but it makes me distrust their smiles even more & that distrust bring tears to my eyes to even feel that way

I know everytime they see my face another flickers in their mind. I see the pathetic pity in their eyes. I hear those words that do not pass their lips

When I go 'there' they do not think I can hear the whispers the murmurs the unspoken thought which float in the air

After so long from that fated day I barely am regularly speaking to old close friends. It should not be a struggle to seek they're attention

Where they will not judge & condemn you for your families decisions because that will only make me dislike them more for abandoning me

A place that has no annoying people thinking they know you. None look at you with a pity that makes you want to weep

Why can I not escape to the world of my own choice? Were it my decision I would live in pleasurable solitude with the few people I love

Why is it everytime I go to parties from 'that' place with those people my stomach turns against me? I try to be better yet I fail (U_U)

Curse my damn self! I am a mere shell of my former self not 3 yrs ago mayhap even 1 1/2. How despicable am I?

Why can't people understand I DONT LIKE TALKING TO PEOPLE. is that so hard to understand??

Maybe ill just run out the back door & she'll never know but then where would I go? For how long? I dont have enough gas....

I mean why does she even wanna talk? Why couldn't I just say I didn't know what she was asking?? That I couldn't hear her??

Oh man I hate talking to people. I've already had enough today & I feel sick just thinking bout talking to her (>_<;;;;;)

"Sometimes we dont do things we want to do so others won't know we want to do them"

SunShine has been talking to her dad lately for which im happy for her. At least her dad isn't a scumbag like mine :]

Hung out w SunShine yesterday n last night, it was really nice :-)

Got 5 'roommates', 1 is mom, 2 r dogs n 1 is cruzs friend & the other is moms friend

P.s. I hate when drunks repeat the same thing over & when they babble a whole 5hr speech bout the same things

I forgave momma for her actions that druken nite but that doesn't mean I believe her when she soberly says she'll never drink that much again